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    Katsu (original)

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    zero
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    Katsu (original)

    Post by zero on Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:04 pm

    Chapter 1 - Katsu

    Original Fan fiction

    As his tire hits the ground, smashing throw the weeds and dashing through the small puddle`s , mud splashes on his shoes. The Tree`s fly by, like a train in the subway at five o’clock. The bugs are loud and the birds are soaring through the clean blue sky, the sun is shining as bright as it could be. Katsu looks to the clouds to see what’s in front of him, with his hand over his eyes. Akio, does the same to find the where they were headed.

    Katsu says with a loud voice “Where are we going Akio”, Akio takes a glance to each side of him and looks toward Katsu with a confused look on his face, saying “Well to be honest I have no Idea I was just following you”.All Katsu can see is this goofy look on Akio`s face, which Katsu always knows what that means. Katsu looks toward the trees, and says “Well looks like were lost, lets head toward those tree`s for now, man I am getting tried”. Akio says with a smile “Well at least you have me to talk to”, Katsu looks at him and just looks away, He feels so distracted for some reason, and decides to ride a little faster in the process. Katsu says to himself “This seems weird almost like we were suppose to get lost, and don’t forget the fact that it’s about to get dark soon, this is not looking good for us”. Katsu keeps riding ahead in deep thought. Most of the ride was silent, but Akio has a problem staying quiet for a long period of time. During tests sometimes He needs to step outside to get a few words in, because it’s to intense for him to sit in a boring classroom, and not be allowed to say a word. They both finally make it to the trees, but are still lost. It’s about six now, and its getting darker by the minute, both Akio and Katsu are scared they might not make it home.
    Katsu looks at the stars in the sky and wishes he was able to read them, for some type of direction or something. Akio says to Katsu with a serious tone in his voice “What are we going to do?”Katsu seats there for a minute or two and says “To be honest I don’t know”. Akio looks down in disappointment, but puts on a smile to make Katsu not feel so bad about them being lost. While, there walking there mountain bikes Akio yelled from behind Katsu “ouch that hurt”! Katsu then, yelled back with a worried look on his face “What’s wrong Akio”. Akio says with a serious tone in his voice “These bugs there everywhere and they bit me right in the, you know where spot, now how can I itch it with out you laughing at me”. Katsu laughed with a great big smile wide across his face, while saying “Akio! You’re a crazy guy”.

    About twenty minutes past, and they find them self’s walking in a circle. Akio is starting to get frustrated with this and jumps on his bike. When Akio starts riding he feels he needs to go fast, in order to get somewhere so he makes sure he is riding up ahead. Katsu yells from a distant “Akio wait up”. He also then jumps on to his bike to catch up with Akio. As they are riding they are both picking up speed, they soon realize they are on a hill heading down ward to a ground full of rocks and they need to act fast. As Katsu is riding down the hill he spots a young man, in the corner of his eye. Katsu yells to Akio, who is in front of him riding his bike down the hill “Akio do you see what I see?” Akio goes to turn his head toward Katsu’s direction and says “See what?” At that moment , Aiko`s bike flips from hitting a rock under his front wheel making fly through the air and landing three feet in front of his bike unconscious.

    Katsu is shocked at what just happened and jumps off his bike throwing it to the ground and rushing to Akio`s help. Katsu yell`s “Akio are you ok? What happened? ……Are you there?” At that second the young man merges from the dark bushes and raises his hand toward Katsu. Katsu yell`s “who are you? …What are you doing? Answer me!” A flash of white light comes out of no where and both Katsu and Akio are unconscious on the ground.


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    lukia schiffer
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    Re: Katsu (original)

    Post by lukia schiffer on Wed Jul 07, 2010 11:40 pm

    quite good....
    interesting...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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    Yoko-chan
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    Re: Katsu (original)

    Post by Yoko-chan on Thu Jul 08, 2010 3:21 am

    Ok since this is the first time correcting a fic in English, i'll do my best and be very careful. I'll first start with the mistakes and then the actual review.
    "puddle`s" - puddles
    "The Tree`s" - The trees
    "Akio, does the same (...) " - no comma after "Akio"
    "to find the where" - to find where...

    "Katsu says with a loud voice “Where are we going Akio”, Akio takes a glance to each side of him and looks toward Katsu with a confused look on his face, saying “Well to be honest I have no Idea I was just following you”. " - This whole sentence should look like this:
    "- Where are we going, Akio? asks Katsu with a loud voice.
    Akio takes a glance to each side of him and then looks toward Katsu with a confused look on his face.
    - Well, to be honest, i have no idea! I was just following you... "

    "the trees, and says" - no comma before "and". The only exceptions when you are allowed to use a comma before "and" is when you have an enumeration.

    "tree`s" - trees
    "tried" - tired
    "sometimes He needs" - he
    "its getting" - it's

    "While, there walking there mountain bikes Akio yelled from behind Katsu “ouch that hurt”! - While they're riding their mintain bikes, Akio yells from behind Katsu:
    - Ouch! That hurt!"
    This is an example of what i was telling you about the tenses. You started with prsent progressive so we know the action is happening now and then you continued using the past "yelled". Keeps using the present "yells". Very Happy

    "them self’s" - themselves

    I didn't copy all the dialogues; when writing a fic it's best if you use dashes (dialogue line). However, if you want to use quotes, the same rule applies: you must write what the characters are saying starting a new row. Like this:
    "Katsu is saying:
    - Hey, what are you doing?
    He looks around and... "
    Something like this. Very Happy

    Okey now for the actual review. The story sounds really interesting! Your characters seem to have gotten themselves in some kind of trouble there and i can't wait to see what this is all about! You had a great start! I suggest you also give us some description for your characters, let us know how they look like so that we can imagine everything better. Very Happy Awesome job!!!
    Can't wait for the next chapter!
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    zero
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    Re: Katsu (original)

    Post by zero on Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:01 pm

    Thank you alot , that was my first chapter so i wasnt so sure about the format, thanks so much im excited to write another chapter , i have it all planned out, i just need to write it now haha


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    Yoko-chan
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    Re: Katsu (original)

    Post by Yoko-chan on Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:33 am

    Can't wait to read it!!! Don't keep us waiting too long!! Very Happy
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    zero
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    Re: Katsu (original)

    Post by zero on Fri Jul 09, 2010 1:57 am

    lol ok i got it now!


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